I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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