Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
