omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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