You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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