I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...