I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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