i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
