Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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