come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
