she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
