we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
