remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
