My balls are so social today.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
