u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
