i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
