tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
