Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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