So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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