is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
