I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
