I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
