my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
