new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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