i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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