I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
