Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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