He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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