Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
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I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
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I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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