the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
