Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
