I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
