I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
