Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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