frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
