don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
