the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
