Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
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Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
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Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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