I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
