While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
