i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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