She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
