woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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