I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
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we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
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Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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