Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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