saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
