He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
