Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
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Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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