I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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