Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
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