Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
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If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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