And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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