Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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