Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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