it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
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It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend