i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.